Brain Dump Part 1

 On Sunday night I watched the Netflix documentary The Social Dilemma, and afterward promptly deleted facebook, instagram, youtube, and tiktok from my phone apps.  I turned off notifications.  I unplugged the charger and plugged it in on the other side of the room.  

I have been addicted to my phone for awhile now.  I have listened to countless podcasts about the social media rabbit hole and how it is radicalizing people with their AI algorithms cloistering people into ever more secluded corners of thought. My addiction to my phone has affected my relationship with my husband and my daughter.  I have gone through many cycles where I made conscious decisions to put my phone down, or leave it in a different room so that I could be present in the moment only to relapse into endless scrolling; at the dinner table, in the car on a family outing, as soon as I woke up every day.  Rinse and repeat.  But watching that documentary tell me what I already knew, jolted me awake. Something new occurred to me; I can't remember the last time I enjoyed life for the sake of enjoying life.  Everything I did, even though I thought I was being present, was documented, filtered, and shared to facebook and instagram.  I made a dupe of a pumpkin cream cold brew last week, and I made a tiktok about it.  I enjoy a new variety of chips from Trader Joe's, or enjoy a nature walk; I have to let my friends know. Really, when was the last time I just had fun and nobody else found out about it except the people who were with me?  I have no fucking idea.  

So I felt this urgent need to rip myself away from the addictive cycle.  The difficulty in a social media purge is that it leaves you with no outlet.  All those thoughts that swirl around in my head, just keep on swirling, turning into something like anxiety.  I need to put those thoughts somewhere and that is where this blog comes in.  

Here is how it's going so far.  On Monday, I woke up to my alarm that I got out of bed to hit the snooze on.  I thought walking across the room would help me break the snooze habit, but apparently not.  Eventually I got up on my last alarm in a 3-alarm sequence, and I never do; I left my phone right there, charging, and went on to start my day.  Just that first step was empowering, and made me think I could actually stick with this.  I let Shirley out, stood outside while she peed, and just felt the air, now cooling to a crisp fall perfection, and looked at my garden.  On a normal day I would just wait for Shirley to be done, watching her in my peripherals, and scroll.  I would already be deep in a comment thread, some random Minnesota people on the local news facebook page arguing about antifa or some shit.  I made my coffee and woke up Adeline, and I helped her with here distance learning.  Marc stayed home that day and helped out here and there.  I started reading a book my husband bought me and read it when Adeline didn't need me.  She's a fast learner.  We went for a walk with Shirley, then for recess we walked to the playground.   We had a great day, until it was time to leave for soccer practice and I felt flustered that I was trying to get Adeline ready and remember to bring what we need (all that womanly emotional labor stuff) when I realized we had left Adeline's hydroflask at the playground.  Before practice we swung by and I found it on the ground, completely dented, like someone had taken a sledgehammer to it.  I don't know why, but this moment crushed me.  I felt resentful that Marc hadn't remembered to bring it home, even though we both forgot.  Growing up there were lots of times my mom would get agitated and say "Why does nothing get done if I don't do it?" and at the time I thought, well nobody is getting stuff done, including you, but now I sort of understand.  It's that stuff Mom's are always supposed to just have a handle on.  We are the bringers of snacks, the slatherers of sunscreen, the senders of thank you notes.  I let myself feel the frustration, but that resentment, the one my mom felt, I tried to push it away for now.  It wasn't Marc's fault we all left the ($30!) hydroflask at the park to be destroyed by feral children.  I got over it quick and I spent all of Adeline's soccer practice watching her play.  

Yesterday, I made a to do list.  As someone with self diagnosed ADHD, I go through lots of fits and starts with my productivity, so I knew I probably wouldn't follow through on the whole list, but I also didn't know what to do with my hands without my phone giving me baby doses of dopamine, so writing something in my planner (which did not get a lot of use this year) seemed like a thing.  

• Call for appointments
• Psych
• Eye doctor
• hair?
• Make shopping list for sewing stuff and making patches
• Make a new patch
• Pick broccoli
• Prune brussel sprouts
• Brainstorm fall decor ideas (what the fuck?)
• Play music on uke or guitar

I managed to make my appointments but not much of anything else.  I followed the same routine as the day before and did a lot of reading.  We went to Target and looked at Halloween decorations.  In the evening I did the dishes and hit my head on a cabinet door, which triggered me to full on sob for some reason? I did not watch the presidential debate, even though usually I'm obsessed with politics.  Instead I did bath time with Adeline.   

Today (Wednesday) was a super lazy day.  I helped Adeline with her schoolwork, which took less than an hour, and the rest of the day we mostly just sat around, her watching Vampirina and me reading my book.  I was successful in staying off of social media and not reaching for my phone.  Is it bad that I'm replacing staring at a phone with staring at a book? I don't know, it feels like progress.  I finished the book and then all the sudden felt anxious and didn't know what to do with myself so I started planning out Adeline's halloween costume and bought some pieces for it online.  I think I want to make the skirt part of her costume as my first sewing project, as soon as I am brave enough to learn how to use my sewing machine.  We took Adeline to dance class, and during her class we browsed a thrift store.  Afterward, I went to the gym by myself. My workout went by so much faster without my usual extra long rest breaks to watch tiktoks.  I did allow myself to listen to the NPR politics podcast and Pod Save the People to get a recap of the debate and got mad about Trump being a total lunatic and the fact that my parents are voting for him.  When I got home, I made a choice to put on some music instead of politics while I did the dishes and made some instant oatmeal (pumpkin pecan flavored) and it helped me calm down.  

Tomorrow my plans are to shower, get outside, and fill out my ballot.  

That's it.  That's my brain dump.